#ask.g

#Ask G!

 DEAR G:

Q.   Who do you have in the NBA this year? The Heat look pretty good! – William

Another sports question! William, you are the typical Heat fan, slipping in a suggestion that they are the best after asking who is. I do think the Heat have the best chance to win another ring, but I hope they don’t. Not a lot of people watch the NBA if you ask around your local bar, but it is, without a doubt, amazing. Just like the difference between college football and the NFL, these are the pros doing what they do best. Why does it look like they aren’t playing defense? You try guarding a guy almost seven foot that is fast as a track star. So I hope the Heat get killed. I hope they go at it with every team in the NBA, because I want to see the rivalries again. Yeah, there have been super-teams before. But not like now. There are a bunch of amazing teams, like the Pacers, the Thunder, and the Nets. I hope they all beat the Heat every time, but I won’t hold my breath.

A. Should I call a phone-sex line? Jim

Hell yeah! Why not? Listen, it’s tough out here. Being single is not the easiest thing to do. Meeting people is tough, and where do you go? To a bar where you get drunk and say something stupid like, “Your drink looks nice, can I buy you an eyes?” Call the phone-sex line, Jim, where the women listen to you talk about your stamp collection and care, then do some real nasty shit. Maybe you will gain some confidence and take the phone out of the game.

Q.  G, what should I watch on Netflix? – Jane

A. Nice! I like that question. Here’s your answer: TED Talks. This stuff is amazing! It is basically a speaker series where people stand up and talk to an audience about any number of topics. There are many different series that have specific topics, such as sex and relationships. It is interesting and stimulating, but not in the way the porn you just watched is. Enjoy!

Q.  Who do you think will win the Superbowl this year?

A. The Bengals! I’m from Cincinnati, and like all good Bengals fans, I think we are the best. But there are a lot of teams that are very good. Peyton is doing some amazing things in Denver. The Seahawks have the best defense in the league, and the Saints have been a contender this year for the crown. I hope we see some stripes in the ‘bowl, but like any year, we could see any team take a shot at the trophy.

Q.   G I m a grower, not a shower.  What do I do after morning basketb all when everyone hits the showers?  Is it OK to  fluff it up a little bit before I go in? Zack

A. First of all, after a heavy game of ball at 6 a.m. most of us are in the same boat. That little guy is wondering what you are doing. The short answer (no pun intended), is yes. Is it weird? Sure. But if you go in the stall or something, instead of standing in the middle of the locker room screaming, nobody will know.  However, with a bunch of high school kids scared to look anywhere but straight, with their hands cupping their stuff, or shorts on for the really uncomfortable, you really shouldn t be worried, my man. Either way, no towel snapping or asking to compare.

Q.  G, I hate wearing condoms. What should I do? Owen

A. Wear condoms. In this day and age, I won t say you are dumb for not wearing one, but most people would say, Owen, you are dumb . It just makes sense, even though it s not the same as going in without a flak jacket. Girls will actually say to themselves, Wow, this guy is smart. That s better than them saying your dumb, right? It s surely much better than having V.D. and a baby.

Q.  I want to get in shape, but where should I start?

A. Good question! Now put down the Twinkie. The most important part of getting in shape is your diet. You can lose weight without going to the gym if you just eat right. The best advice I can give you is using the caveman diet, which is simple but hard to follow. Just don t eat any processed foods. That means chicken breasts, carrots, apples. Try and consume one or two fruits a day and all the vegetables and meat you can, and limit carbs, raising them a bit on days where you work out. Working out just makes everything go faster, and turns that flab into fab! I just made that up! Good luck.

Q. What s going to happen with the new health care? Am I going to jail if I don t get some? Amber

A. If you went to jail for not getting some my friend Brad would be on death row. Seriously though, it s not that big a deal. For now. That first year, you might shop around a while if you don t have a family, that s cool. The penalty at the end of the year will only be a hundred bucks. But the next, it goes up significantly, so you want to get that shit. It helps you, your family, your friends, and the drunk down the street that falls down in the mud and breaks out all his fronts.

Q. G, I have a problem. I live with my parents because I am still in college, but I can t bring women back to my Mom and Dad s place! It makes sense so that I can save money, but it s killing me! -Pete

A. Take my advice, Pete. Move. OUT. Hell with it. It does make sense economically, but you re right; no girl wants to see the pictures of your naked three year old body next to your mother s glamour shot as she stumbles up the stairs to make some bad decisions. You gotta do it sometime anyways, right? Bite the bullet, and let the fun begin!

Q. What should I be for Halloween? I d like to get some. Martin

A. First of all, change your name from Martin if you want to get some .  And don t use that phrase, the kid s on Boy Meets World don t even use it anymore. For real though, go with funny. But not Fat Albert funny, that s not a good look. You want to be funny appealing, and considering Katt Williams is attractive to some women, you can t really go wrong.

Q. Why aren t there any black people in Mayberry? (Andy Griffith Show) Rick

A. I never noticed, Rick. You are racist!

Q. The girl I was fooling around with won t return my calls anymore, but I haven t been acting any different. What gives? Dean

A. She doesn t like you anymore, Dean. I m sorry, but that s the truth.   She didn t grow a penis or get abducted by aliens. But, really, who gives a shit?  You were just doin it anyways, so you re probably better off. Get on your best shirt and pants and get out there, man.  Don t drink yourself slobbery and talk to a girl. She ll like that shit.